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appel en cours
20 sept. 00:02
(raclement de gorge) mh, hi, how you doing?
hi ? (silence. soupire brusque) hello ? who's this ? hello ?
(silence, perplexe) cliff? it's scar. where are you?
(grogne) hello? jesus christ what (bruit de mouvement ) ah, fuck. (renifle) so. i put the phone on my wrong ear. sorry (rire nerveux) hi ?
(rire) what the fuck? you serious? (soupire) how you doing babe?
scar ? don't (rire) don't laugh, man. fuck (gêné) a little bit tired, to be honest. you ?
what's wrong with you? you deaf from a ear and you got the wrong one? do i love an idiot? (rire) mh i'm fine, i'm not really tired tonight that's why i'm calling you. what are you doing?
i - (silence) what ? what did you say ? i (silence) can you say that again, please ?
what? say what? that you're an idiot? (rire) that you're deaf from an ear? thought you knew (rire)
no i - the thing before the - the idiot (soupire) fuck. i - scar. (silence, bruit de respiration) fuck, scar. (inspire) it's not funny. i - (silence)
what? that i love the idiot you are? i thought you knew that too.
oh my god don't say that (silence, bruit de souffle ) jesus christ i'm gonna have a panic attack or some shit like that 'cause of you, idiot. you just-
you can't just tell me stuff like that. fucking - fucking stupid shit (silence, puis tout bas, presque vulnérable.) how can you - you - really ? it's true ?

oh babe. calm down. (rire) what really? i mean. who can't?
i - (reniflement) can you say it again, please ? for me.
wait. are you crying?
(succession de reniflements) don't be stupid (silence) who care ? just - (petit reniflement ) scar fuck just - please ?
oh man. you please just stop crying. i won't say it again if it's going to make you cry. (long silence, soupire) i love you, cliff. please stop crying.
i already said i'm not crying ! god i (inspire, petit silence) i'm fine i - (soupire tremblant, reniflement) i don't really know what to say, but i have a poem i wrote after the night you sleep here and - can i read it ? and after, i'm gonna read the poem before i forget
okay… of course you can.
ok - ok let me just (bruit de mouvement, de papiers)  why am i always running in circles / between wanting you to want me / and when you want me / deciding it is too emotionally naked / for me to live with / who do i make loving me so difficult / as if you should never gave to witness / the ghosts i have tucked under my breast / i used to be more open / when it came to matters like this (petite pause)  my love
(silence) well. it's really pretty. i mean. it's always really pretty. your words are.
i - thank (silence) but do you understand ?
i- i'm not that sure...but you know you don't know shit 'bout cars i don't know shit 'bout poetry
ah. yea, you're right (rire léger) hm. so. (raclement de gorge) i guess i - i really want to make it work. and - and i need you to know about my issues for that and - and stop, i need to stop being scared about shit like love and you. and - and not be mad at you from some shit you don't know 'cause. because it's my issues, not your. and -(inspire) and i'm pretty sure - if i'm not in love with you right now, 'cause i don't really - well  i (rire nerveux)- i don't really know what love is, in fact -  i'm gonna be pretty soon. even if it scared me like crazy.  < /em>
(inspire) look. i don't know shit 'bout love. i think i even know more 'bout poetry and grammar. (rire) i mean. i like you. like, a lot. i like spending time with you, watching your anime and listening to you for hours on the phone. i only know that i've never really liked someone like this before. i don't know if i'm in love with you, maybe i'm not right now. i just love the person you are and the idea of you being in my life for a long time. i don't care if you're not in love. i mean, does it really matter right now? i need to know things 'bout you and you need to know things 'bout me. you don't have to put pressure on yourself. i mean. don't think and it's gonna be alright.
(renifle) ok so, right now i'm crying. god (rire) can you stop being perfect for a sec ? fuck. (renifle et rire ) i really love hearing you talk about cars and shit even if i don't understand it half of the time. and - yea. all you said. all of it. i really want to learn a lot about you and - i really want to say a lot to you. even if i'm scared. i - nobody give me feels like that before, scar. nobody except you.
(silence) well we are officially super cheesy right now (rire) and you know what? you're the only i like being cheesy with (rire, un peu gêné)
i don't even like cheese (a little bit rude) but i guess it's all right, with you. (renifle encore) so hm - (gêné) do you want the letter ?
okay go on, i'm listening.
ok so - wait ( va se moucher, loin du tel) ok. j'avais une peluche, lorsque j'étais petit. je ne sais pas du tout d'où elle venait. peut-être d'un zoo, d'un parc d'attraction ou juste d'un magasin quelconque. qu'importe ; c'était un panda, dans tous les cas. un gros panda ; dans mes souvenirs, il était gigantesque. j'arrive à peine à passer mes bras autour de son corps pour le prendre contre moi. je lui avais donné un nom. quelque chose comme - comme papou, ou patrick ou - je sais pas. quelque chose qui commençait par pa , dans tous les cas. je l'amenais partout avec moi; à l'école, aux matchs et à l'entrainement d'exy, à la toilette, dans mon lit. je crois que j'ai pris mon bain avec lui, parfois, mais mes parents - enfin, non, curtis. ce n'est pas mon père - s'en est rendu compte et, après avoir ri de moi un moment, m'a dit qu'il ne fallait pas faire ça. puis j'ai eu des poux, à sept ans. comme tous les enfants, j'imagine. et comme je l'avais toujours avec moi, on a été obligé de le mettre dans un sac refermable pendant près d'une semaine pour tuer les poux qui se trouvaient sur lui. je crois que ça a été ma première peine d'amour, vraiment. j'ai pleuré pendant des heures. les premières nuits, je me suis endormi après avoir pleurer trop fort de ne pas pouvoir le serrer dans mes bras. je crois que j'en ai même fait de l'anxiété, d'être à des endroits sans sa compagnie, tu vois ? j'avais oublié cette histoire, tu sais ? mais être ici, entre ces murs...et ne plus te voir ou t'entendre quelque part dans les entourages, ça m'a rappelé le sentiment qu'avait clifford, sept ans, sans sa peluche préférée.  
i - hm. i don't know. you were there all the time and - and then not, you know ? i just - i guess (soupire) i had just realised how much i care about you, maybe. or, how much i love when i see you all the time.
yea it was kinda the same for me. i realised how much i liked to see you around when i was working. you were my motivation.
stop being cute scar. you can't fool me (rire gêné) i should come more to the bar even if i dont have anything to study ...or. hm. you should run with me sometime ?
you sure i can't? (rire) running? yea i think it would be good for me to do sports again (rire)
you just - fucker (rire) i don't even think you can stop (silence) i - good. i mean sometime grim is with me but it doesn't bother you right ? he isn't a bad guy
oh okay no problem. (petit silence) who is he?
eh... a friend i guess ? he play exy for a pro team. and hm. he's a mercury ? whatever it is. jad said that. (silence) he isn't really cute you don't have to worry scar
oh. this grim. okay. (silence) worry 'bout what? just wanted to know 'bout your friend
hmhm (retient un rire ) hey scar ? You really cute
(grogne dans un raclement de gorge) i'm not right now.  and i just wanted to know 'bout your friend. like i've  an interest in the people you hang out with.
yeah really ? hmhm. i believe you. he's fine. And your friend ?
mh. my friend? which one?
who you want. i dont really know them
well… mh. there are jad, sami and yasmeen,  max, paul but… yea paul. (silence) ashley, gali, sasha, josh, lupe, yohan, bebe. (inspire) i think you'd like 'em all.
paul the dead one ? the shark ? And eh ( silence) a cluster ? A twin? if you believe in that
mh, yea, the dead one. (silence, raclement de gorge) do you? 'cause yea, i'm in a cluster and i've a twin and a soulmate and yea. i believe in all of these.
sorry about that. i didn't like him but he was your friend so...(soupire) yea. yea me too. cosmic twin sister and a cluster and - (silence) yea. a soulmate. curtis
curtis, mh. (silence) so a twin sister? really? where is she?
yea....destiny sucks eh ? (rire faible) hm... I don't want to tell you. you could fall in love with her, she's a warrior princess like in the anime ( rire ) she's on earth
ya really? you're right, destiny sucks; i fell for the wrong twin. (rire moqueur) how is it between you two? i mean. have you already met her?
hmm...nan, you didn't. dont make me cry again ( silence) eh. we talk sometime. but no. I'm not good with people so... I don't even talk to my cluster 'cause... well i don't know. im shit with people (rire)
(rire) ok, i didn't. (silence) i'm sorry 'cause i've lots of people 'round me so… you won't escape from this (rire)
ah. its ok you ( silence) you worth it..
(laisse un rire s'échapper) am i?
(pas a l'aise)  are you fishing for compliment scar ?
(rire) sorry i'm just surprised. no need to go on.
na its alright. anyway you are a big part of the next book so...(rire nerveux ) even the last one...
next one? last one? ok i'm surprised again (rire)
scar, all the poems i write about you i put them in my books
(silence) what? (silence) really?
(rire) yea idiot. All of them. all the teen girls who reads my books know you
oh god, sounds serious (rire)
im pretty sure they love you more than me
they love your words.
they love how i talk about you. they dont like me. a few month ago a girl came to talk to me about my poems but she was crying and i just...fuck. i ran ( rire) im shit at people
(rire) well, is it a big deal? i mean you are obviously shit with all social things (rire) but does it like... disturb you?
not really. i dont know how to react with compliments or nice people sometime and - and maybe people i like..like you ( rire ) but no. I just - i dont care about the fame or the fans and - yed i write poems and they read them but...its fine if it help them but i dont want to do meet up and stuff you know ? they hate it, of course. they think im rude. (rire) its true i guess. but no. im fine like it and if i really something or someone (silence) well. i force myself cause its important
maybe you can be rude and all but… it's just you. you don't have to force yourself except if it's for you because you want it you know?
yea, i know. i do it for myself, you know. like... all the letters, and - all this stuff. i do it for me. for you. (soupire) for us. 'ause i want a us but i need it to be a good one. i want to give us all the chance we can have. or some shit like that, i don't know.
ahh fuck (soupire, rire léger, silence) i don't know what to say - i feel like a kid right now (rire)
ah. (silence) why ? can you try ? and explain... i want to know how you feel
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(870) 916 02 23 + scar kolisnychenko - Page 23 Empty
appel en cours
20 sept. 00:02
(raclement de gorge) mh, hi, how you doing?
hi ? (silence. soupire brusque) hello ? who's this ? hello ?
(silence, perplexe) cliff? it's scar. where are you?
(grogne) hello? jesus christ what (bruit de mouvement ) ah, fuck. (renifle) so. i put the phone on my wrong ear. sorry (rire nerveux) hi ?
(rire) what the fuck? you serious? (soupire) how you doing babe?
scar ? don't (rire) don't laugh, man. fuck (gêné) a little bit tired, to be honest. you ?
what's wrong with you? you deaf from a ear and you got the wrong one? do i love an idiot? (rire) mh i'm fine, i'm not really tired tonight that's why i'm calling you. what are you doing?
i - (silence) what ? what did you say ? i (silence) can you say that again, please ?
what? say what? that you're an idiot? (rire) that you're deaf from an ear? thought you knew (rire)
no i - the thing before the - the idiot (soupire) fuck. i - scar. (silence, bruit de respiration) fuck, scar. (inspire) it's not funny. i - (silence)
what? that i love the idiot you are? i thought you knew that too.
oh my god don't say that (silence, bruit de souffle ) jesus christ i'm gonna have a panic attack or some shit like that 'cause of you, idiot. you just-
you can't just tell me stuff like that. fucking - fucking stupid shit (silence, puis tout bas, presque vulnérable.) how can you - you - really ? it's true ?

oh babe. calm down. (rire) what really? i mean. who can't?
i - (reniflement) can you say it again, please ? for me.
wait. are you crying?
(succession de reniflements) don't be stupid (silence) who care ? just - (petit reniflement ) scar fuck just - please ?
oh man. you please just stop crying. i won't say it again if it's going to make you cry. (long silence, soupire) i love you, cliff. please stop crying.
i already said i'm not crying ! god i (inspire, petit silence) i'm fine i - (soupire tremblant, reniflement) i don't really know what to say, but i have a poem i wrote after the night you sleep here and - can i read it ? and after, i'm gonna read the poem before i forget
okay… of course you can.
ok - ok let me just (bruit de mouvement, de papiers)  why am i always running in circles / between wanting you to want me / and when you want me / deciding it is too emotionally naked / for me to live with / who do i make loving me so difficult / as if you should never gave to witness / the ghosts i have tucked under my breast / i used to be more open / when it came to matters like this (petite pause)  my love
(silence) well. it's really pretty. i mean. it's always really pretty. your words are.
i - thank (silence) but do you understand ?
i- i'm not that sure...but you know you don't know shit 'bout cars i don't know shit 'bout poetry
ah. yea, you're right (rire léger) hm. so. (raclement de gorge) i guess i - i really want to make it work. and - and i need you to know about my issues for that and - and stop, i need to stop being scared about shit like love and you. and - and not be mad at you from some shit you don't know 'cause. because it's my issues, not your. and -(inspire) and i'm pretty sure - if i'm not in love with you right now, 'cause i don't really - well  i (rire nerveux)- i don't really know what love is, in fact -  i'm gonna be pretty soon. even if it scared me like crazy.  < /em>
(inspire) look. i don't know shit 'bout love. i think i even know more 'bout poetry and grammar. (rire) i mean. i like you. like, a lot. i like spending time with you, watching your anime and listening to you for hours on the phone. i only know that i've never really liked someone like this before. i don't know if i'm in love with you, maybe i'm not right now. i just love the person you are and the idea of you being in my life for a long time. i don't care if you're not in love. i mean, does it really matter right now? i need to know things 'bout you and you need to know things 'bout me. you don't have to put pressure on yourself. i mean. don't think and it's gonna be alright.
(renifle) ok so, right now i'm crying. god (rire) can you stop being perfect for a sec ? fuck. (renifle et rire ) i really love hearing you talk about cars and shit even if i don't understand it half of the time. and - yea. all you said. all of it. i really want to learn a lot about you and - i really want to say a lot to you. even if i'm scared. i - nobody give me feels like that before, scar. nobody except you.
(silence) well we are officially super cheesy right now (rire) and you know what? you're the only i like being cheesy with (rire, un peu gêné)
i don't even like cheese (a little bit rude) but i guess it's all right, with you. (renifle encore) so hm - (gêné) do you want the letter ?
okay go on, i'm listening.
ok so - wait ( va se moucher, loin du tel) ok. j'avais une peluche, lorsque j'étais petit. je ne sais pas du tout d'où elle venait. peut-être d'un zoo, d'un parc d'attraction ou juste d'un magasin quelconque. qu'importe ; c'était un panda, dans tous les cas. un gros panda ; dans mes souvenirs, il était gigantesque. j'arrive à peine à passer mes bras autour de son corps pour le prendre contre moi. je lui avais donné un nom. quelque chose comme - comme papou, ou patrick ou - je sais pas. quelque chose qui commençait par pa , dans tous les cas. je l'amenais partout avec moi; à l'école, aux matchs et à l'entrainement d'exy, à la toilette, dans mon lit. je crois que j'ai pris mon bain avec lui, parfois, mais mes parents - enfin, non, curtis. ce n'est pas mon père - s'en est rendu compte et, après avoir ri de moi un moment, m'a dit qu'il ne fallait pas faire ça. puis j'ai eu des poux, à sept ans. comme tous les enfants, j'imagine. et comme je l'avais toujours avec moi, on a été obligé de le mettre dans un sac refermable pendant près d'une semaine pour tuer les poux qui se trouvaient sur lui. je crois que ça a été ma première peine d'amour, vraiment. j'ai pleuré pendant des heures. les premières nuits, je me suis endormi après avoir pleurer trop fort de ne pas pouvoir le serrer dans mes bras. je crois que j'en ai même fait de l'anxiété, d'être à des endroits sans sa compagnie, tu vois ? j'avais oublié cette histoire, tu sais ? mais être ici, entre ces murs...et ne plus te voir ou t'entendre quelque part dans les entourages, ça m'a rappelé le sentiment qu'avait clifford, sept ans, sans sa peluche préférée.  
i - hm. i don't know. you were there all the time and - and then not, you know ? i just - i guess (soupire) i had just realised how much i care about you, maybe. or, how much i love when i see you all the time.
yea it was kinda the same for me. i realised how much i liked to see you around when i was working. you were my motivation.
stop being cute scar. you can't fool me (rire gêné) i should come more to the bar even if i dont have anything to study ...or. hm. you should run with me sometime ?
you sure i can't? (rire) running? yea i think it would be good for me to do sports again (rire)
you just - fucker (rire) i don't even think you can stop (silence) i - good. i mean sometime grim is with me but it doesn't bother you right ? he isn't a bad guy
oh okay no problem. (petit silence) who is he?
eh... a friend i guess ? he play exy for a pro team. and hm. he's a mercury ? whatever it is. jad said that. (silence) he isn't really cute you don't have to worry scar
oh. this grim. okay. (silence) worry 'bout what? just wanted to know 'bout your friend
hmhm (retient un rire ) hey scar ? You really cute
(grogne dans un raclement de gorge) i'm not right now.  and i just wanted to know 'bout your friend. like i've  an interest in the people you hang out with.
yeah really ? hmhm. i believe you. he's fine. And your friend ?
mh. my friend? which one?
who you want. i dont really know them
well… mh. there are jad, sami and yasmeen,  max, paul but… yea paul. (silence) ashley, gali, sasha, josh, lupe, yohan, bebe. (inspire) i think you'd like 'em all.
paul the dead one ? the shark ? And eh ( silence) a cluster ? A twin? if you believe in that
mh, yea, the dead one. (silence, raclement de gorge) do you? 'cause yea, i'm in a cluster and i've a twin and a soulmate and yea. i believe in all of these.
sorry about that. i didn't like him but he was your friend so...(soupire) yea. yea me too. cosmic twin sister and a cluster and - (silence) yea. a soulmate. curtis
curtis, mh. (silence) so a twin sister? really? where is she?
yea....destiny sucks eh ? (rire faible) hm... I don't want to tell you. you could fall in love with her, she's a warrior princess like in the anime ( rire ) she's on earth
ya really? you're right, destiny sucks; i fell for the wrong twin. (rire moqueur) how is it between you two? i mean. have you already met her?
hmm...nan, you didn't. dont make me cry again ( silence) eh. we talk sometime. but no. I'm not good with people so... I don't even talk to my cluster 'cause... well i don't know. im shit with people (rire)
(rire) ok, i didn't. (silence) i'm sorry 'cause i've lots of people 'round me so… you won't escape from this (rire)
ah. its ok you ( silence) you worth it..
(laisse un rire s'échapper) am i?
(pas a l'aise)  are you fishing for compliment scar ?
(rire) sorry i'm just surprised. no need to go on.
na its alright. anyway you are a big part of the next book so...(rire nerveux ) even the last one...
next one? last one? ok i'm surprised again (rire)
scar, all the poems i write about you i put them in my books
(silence) what? (silence) really?
(rire) yea idiot. All of them. all the teen girls who reads my books know you
oh god, sounds serious (rire)
im pretty sure they love you more than me
they love your words.
they love how i talk about you. they dont like me. a few month ago a girl came to talk to me about my poems but she was crying and i just...fuck. i ran ( rire) im shit at people
(rire) well, is it a big deal? i mean you are obviously shit with all social things (rire) but does it like... disturb you?
not really. i dont know how to react with compliments or nice people sometime and - and maybe people i like..like you ( rire ) but no. I just - i dont care about the fame or the fans and - yed i write poems and they read them but...its fine if it help them but i dont want to do meet up and stuff you know ? they hate it, of course. they think im rude. (rire) its true i guess. but no. im fine like it and if i really something or someone (silence) well. i force myself cause its important
maybe you can be rude and all but… it's just you. you don't have to force yourself except if it's for you because you want it you know?
yea, i know. i do it for myself, you know. like... all the letters, and - all this stuff. i do it for me. for you. (soupire) for us. 'ause i want a us but i need it to be a good one. i want to give us all the chance we can have. or some shit like that, i don't know.
ahh fuck (soupire, rire léger, silence) i don't know what to say - i feel like a kid right now (rire)
ah. (silence) why ? can you try ? and explain... i want to know how you feel
(râle) raah you know i'm not good at it. (silence) well i don't know it's just… i'm happy to hear that. in an egoistic way and to know it can be good for you. i mean. well i don't know (rire) i'm glad to be a part of this story.
(silence) eh. (rire) cool (soupire, nouveau rire) yea. cool. it's make me happy. it's stupid (rire encore)
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(870) 916 02 23 + scar kolisnychenko - Page 23 Empty
appel en cours
20 sept. 00:02
(raclement de gorge) mh, hi, how you doing?
hi ? (silence. soupire brusque) hello ? who's this ? hello ?
(silence, perplexe) cliff? it's scar. where are you?
(grogne) hello? jesus christ what (bruit de mouvement ) ah, fuck. (renifle) so. i put the phone on my wrong ear. sorry (rire nerveux) hi ?
(rire) what the fuck? you serious? (soupire) how you doing babe?
scar ? don't (rire) don't laugh, man. fuck (gêné) a little bit tired, to be honest. you ?
what's wrong with you? you deaf from a ear and you got the wrong one? do i love an idiot? (rire) mh i'm fine, i'm not really tired tonight that's why i'm calling you. what are you doing?
i - (silence) what ? what did you say ? i (silence) can you say that again, please ?
what? say what? that you're an idiot? (rire) that you're deaf from an ear? thought you knew (rire)
no i - the thing before the - the idiot (soupire) fuck. i - scar. (silence, bruit de respiration) fuck, scar. (inspire) it's not funny. i - (silence)
what? that i love the idiot you are? i thought you knew that too.
oh my god don't say that (silence, bruit de souffle ) jesus christ i'm gonna have a panic attack or some shit like that 'cause of you, idiot. you just-
you can't just tell me stuff like that. fucking - fucking stupid shit (silence, puis tout bas, presque vulnérable.) how can you - you - really ? it's true ?

oh babe. calm down. (rire) what really? i mean. who can't?
i - (reniflement) can you say it again, please ? for me.
wait. are you crying?
(succession de reniflements) don't be stupid (silence) who care ? just - (petit reniflement ) scar fuck just - please ?
oh man. you please just stop crying. i won't say it again if it's going to make you cry. (long silence, soupire) i love you, cliff. please stop crying.
i already said i'm not crying ! god i (inspire, petit silence) i'm fine i - (soupire tremblant, reniflement) i don't really know what to say, but i have a poem i wrote after the night you sleep here and - can i read it ? and after, i'm gonna read the poem before i forget
okay… of course you can.
ok - ok let me just (bruit de mouvement, de papiers)  why am i always running in circles / between wanting you to want me / and when you want me / deciding it is too emotionally naked / for me to live with / who do i make loving me so difficult / as if you should never gave to witness / the ghosts i have tucked under my breast / i used to be more open / when it came to matters like this (petite pause)  my love
(silence) well. it's really pretty. i mean. it's always really pretty. your words are.
i - thank (silence) but do you understand ?
i- i'm not that sure...but you know you don't know shit 'bout cars i don't know shit 'bout poetry
ah. yea, you're right (rire léger) hm. so. (raclement de gorge) i guess i - i really want to make it work. and - and i need you to know about my issues for that and - and stop, i need to stop being scared about shit like love and you. and - and not be mad at you from some shit you don't know 'cause. because it's my issues, not your. and -(inspire) and i'm pretty sure - if i'm not in love with you right now, 'cause i don't really - well  i (rire nerveux)- i don't really know what love is, in fact -  i'm gonna be pretty soon. even if it scared me like crazy.  < /em>
(inspire) look. i don't know shit 'bout love. i think i even know more 'bout poetry and grammar. (rire) i mean. i like you. like, a lot. i like spending time with you, watching your anime and listening to you for hours on the phone. i only know that i've never really liked someone like this before. i don't know if i'm in love with you, maybe i'm not right now. i just love the person you are and the idea of you being in my life for a long time. i don't care if you're not in love. i mean, does it really matter right now? i need to know things 'bout you and you need to know things 'bout me. you don't have to put pressure on yourself. i mean. don't think and it's gonna be alright.
(renifle) ok so, right now i'm crying. god (rire) can you stop being perfect for a sec ? fuck. (renifle et rire ) i really love hearing you talk about cars and shit even if i don't understand it half of the time. and - yea. all you said. all of it. i really want to learn a lot about you and - i really want to say a lot to you. even if i'm scared. i - nobody give me feels like that before, scar. nobody except you.
(silence) well we are officially super cheesy right now (rire) and you know what? you're the only i like being cheesy with (rire, un peu gêné)
i don't even like cheese (a little bit rude) but i guess it's all right, with you. (renifle encore) so hm - (gêné) do you want the letter ?
okay go on, i'm listening.
ok so - wait ( va se moucher, loin du tel) ok. j'avais une peluche, lorsque j'étais petit. je ne sais pas du tout d'où elle venait. peut-être d'un zoo, d'un parc d'attraction ou juste d'un magasin quelconque. qu'importe ; c'était un panda, dans tous les cas. un gros panda ; dans mes souvenirs, il était gigantesque. j'arrive à peine à passer mes bras autour de son corps pour le prendre contre moi. je lui avais donné un nom. quelque chose comme - comme papou, ou patrick ou - je sais pas. quelque chose qui commençait par pa , dans tous les cas. je l'amenais partout avec moi; à l'école, aux matchs et à l'entrainement d'exy, à la toilette, dans mon lit. je crois que j'ai pris mon bain avec lui, parfois, mais mes parents - enfin, non, curtis. ce n'est pas mon père - s'en est rendu compte et, après avoir ri de moi un moment, m'a dit qu'il ne fallait pas faire ça. puis j'ai eu des poux, à sept ans. comme tous les enfants, j'imagine. et comme je l'avais toujours avec moi, on a été obligé de le mettre dans un sac refermable pendant près d'une semaine pour tuer les poux qui se trouvaient sur lui. je crois que ça a été ma première peine d'amour, vraiment. j'ai pleuré pendant des heures. les premières nuits, je me suis endormi après avoir pleurer trop fort de ne pas pouvoir le serrer dans mes bras. je crois que j'en ai même fait de l'anxiété, d'être à des endroits sans sa compagnie, tu vois ? j'avais oublié cette histoire, tu sais ? mais être ici, entre ces murs...et ne plus te voir ou t'entendre quelque part dans les entourages, ça m'a rappelé le sentiment qu'avait clifford, sept ans, sans sa peluche préférée.  
i - hm. i don't know. you were there all the time and - and then not, you know ? i just - i guess (soupire) i had just realised how much i care about you, maybe. or, how much i love when i see you all the time.
yea it was kinda the same for me. i realised how much i liked to see you around when i was working. you were my motivation.
stop being cute scar. you can't fool me (rire gêné) i should come more to the bar even if i dont have anything to study ...or. hm. you should run with me sometime ?
you sure i can't? (rire) running? yea i think it would be good for me to do sports again (rire)
you just - fucker (rire) i don't even think you can stop (silence) i - good. i mean sometime grim is with me but it doesn't bother you right ? he isn't a bad guy
oh okay no problem. (petit silence) who is he?
eh... a friend i guess ? he play exy for a pro team. and hm. he's a mercury ? whatever it is. jad said that. (silence) he isn't really cute you don't have to worry scar
oh. this grim. okay. (silence) worry 'bout what? just wanted to know 'bout your friend
hmhm (retient un rire ) hey scar ? You really cute
(grogne dans un raclement de gorge) i'm not right now.  and i just wanted to know 'bout your friend. like i've  an interest in the people you hang out with.
yeah really ? hmhm. i believe you. he's fine. And your friend ?
mh. my friend? which one?
who you want. i dont really know them
well… mh. there are jad, sami and yasmeen,  max, paul but… yea paul. (silence) ashley, gali, sasha, josh, lupe, yohan, bebe. (inspire) i think you'd like 'em all.
paul the dead one ? the shark ? And eh ( silence) a cluster ? A twin? if you believe in that
mh, yea, the dead one. (silence, raclement de gorge) do you? 'cause yea, i'm in a cluster and i've a twin and a soulmate and yea. i believe in all of these.
sorry about that. i didn't like him but he was your friend so...(soupire) yea. yea me too. cosmic twin sister and a cluster and - (silence) yea. a soulmate. curtis
curtis, mh. (silence) so a twin sister? really? where is she?
yea....destiny sucks eh ? (rire faible) hm... I don't want to tell you. you could fall in love with her, she's a warrior princess like in the anime ( rire ) she's on earth
ya really? you're right, destiny sucks; i fell for the wrong twin. (rire moqueur) how is it between you two? i mean. have you already met her?
hmm...nan, you didn't. dont make me cry again ( silence) eh. we talk sometime. but no. I'm not good with people so... I don't even talk to my cluster 'cause... well i don't know. im shit with people (rire)
(rire) ok, i didn't. (silence) i'm sorry 'cause i've lots of people 'round me so… you won't escape from this (rire)
ah. its ok you ( silence) you worth it..
(laisse un rire s'échapper) am i?
(pas a l'aise)  are you fishing for compliment scar ?
(rire) sorry i'm just surprised. no need to go on.
na its alright. anyway you are a big part of the next book so...(rire nerveux ) even the last one...
next one? last one? ok i'm surprised again (rire)
scar, all the poems i write about you i put them in my books
(silence) what? (silence) really?
(rire) yea idiot. All of them. all the teen girls who reads my books know you
oh god, sounds serious (rire)
im pretty sure they love you more than me
they love your words.
they love how i talk about you. they dont like me. a few month ago a girl came to talk to me about my poems but she was crying and i just...fuck. i ran ( rire) im shit at people
(rire) well, is it a big deal? i mean you are obviously shit with all social things (rire) but does it like... disturb you?
not really. i dont know how to react with compliments or nice people sometime and - and maybe people i like..like you ( rire ) but no. I just - i dont care about the fame or the fans and - yed i write poems and they read them but...its fine if it help them but i dont want to do meet up and stuff you know ? they hate it, of course. they think im rude. (rire) its true i guess. but no. im fine like it and if i really something or someone (silence) well. i force myself cause its important
maybe you can be rude and all but… it's just you. you don't have to force yourself except if it's for you because you want it you know?
yea, i know. i do it for myself, you know. like... all the letters, and - all this stuff. i do it for me. for you. (soupire) for us. 'ause i want a us but i need it to be a good one. i want to give us all the chance we can have. or some shit like that, i don't know.
ahh fuck (soupire, rire léger, silence) i don't know what to say - i feel like a kid right now (rire)
ah. (silence) why ? can you try ? and explain... i want to know how you feel
(râle) raah you know i'm not good at it. (silence) well i don't know it's just… i'm happy to hear that. in an egoistic way and to know it can be good for you. i mean. well i don't know (rire) i'm glad to be a part of this story.
(silence) eh. (rire) cool (soupire, nouveau rire) yea. cool. it's make me happy. it's stupid (rire encore)
we're cheesy again you know that (rire) i've never felt like this before to be honest.
ah fuck off (rire) give us a few weeks and we're gonna be lactose intolerant yea (rire) god i hate myself. can you tell me why i had the idea of not doing anything before you hear all the letters ? 'cause i really want to kiss you right now.
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20 sept. 00:02
(raclement de gorge) mh, hi, how you doing?
hi ? (silence. soupire brusque) hello ? who's this ? hello ?
(silence, perplexe) cliff? it's scar. where are you?
(grogne) hello? jesus christ what (bruit de mouvement ) ah, fuck. (renifle) so. i put the phone on my wrong ear. sorry (rire nerveux) hi ?
(rire) what the fuck? you serious? (soupire) how you doing babe?
scar ? don't (rire) don't laugh, man. fuck (gêné) a little bit tired, to be honest. you ?
what's wrong with you? you deaf from a ear and you got the wrong one? do i love an idiot? (rire) mh i'm fine, i'm not really tired tonight that's why i'm calling you. what are you doing?
i - (silence) what ? what did you say ? i (silence) can you say that again, please ?
what? say what? that you're an idiot? (rire) that you're deaf from an ear? thought you knew (rire)
no i - the thing before the - the idiot (soupire) fuck. i - scar. (silence, bruit de respiration) fuck, scar. (inspire) it's not funny. i - (silence)
what? that i love the idiot you are? i thought you knew that too.
oh my god don't say that (silence, bruit de souffle ) jesus christ i'm gonna have a panic attack or some shit like that 'cause of you, idiot. you just-
you can't just tell me stuff like that. fucking - fucking stupid shit (silence, puis tout bas, presque vulnérable.) how can you - you - really ? it's true ?

oh babe. calm down. (rire) what really? i mean. who can't?
i - (reniflement) can you say it again, please ? for me.
wait. are you crying?
(succession de reniflements) don't be stupid (silence) who care ? just - (petit reniflement ) scar fuck just - please ?
oh man. you please just stop crying. i won't say it again if it's going to make you cry. (long silence, soupire) i love you, cliff. please stop crying.
i already said i'm not crying ! god i (inspire, petit silence) i'm fine i - (soupire tremblant, reniflement) i don't really know what to say, but i have a poem i wrote after the night you sleep here and - can i read it ? and after, i'm gonna read the poem before i forget
okay… of course you can.
ok - ok let me just (bruit de mouvement, de papiers)  why am i always running in circles / between wanting you to want me / and when you want me / deciding it is too emotionally naked / for me to live with / who do i make loving me so difficult / as if you should never gave to witness / the ghosts i have tucked under my breast / i used to be more open / when it came to matters like this (petite pause)  my love
(silence) well. it's really pretty. i mean. it's always really pretty. your words are.
i - thank (silence) but do you understand ?
i- i'm not that sure...but you know you don't know shit 'bout cars i don't know shit 'bout poetry
ah. yea, you're right (rire léger) hm. so. (raclement de gorge) i guess i - i really want to make it work. and - and i need you to know about my issues for that and - and stop, i need to stop being scared about shit like love and you. and - and not be mad at you from some shit you don't know 'cause. because it's my issues, not your. and -(inspire) and i'm pretty sure - if i'm not in love with you right now, 'cause i don't really - well  i (rire nerveux)- i don't really know what love is, in fact -  i'm gonna be pretty soon. even if it scared me like crazy.  < /em>
(inspire) look. i don't know shit 'bout love. i think i even know more 'bout poetry and grammar. (rire) i mean. i like you. like, a lot. i like spending time with you, watching your anime and listening to you for hours on the phone. i only know that i've never really liked someone like this before. i don't know if i'm in love with you, maybe i'm not right now. i just love the person you are and the idea of you being in my life for a long time. i don't care if you're not in love. i mean, does it really matter right now? i need to know things 'bout you and you need to know things 'bout me. you don't have to put pressure on yourself. i mean. don't think and it's gonna be alright.
(renifle) ok so, right now i'm crying. god (rire) can you stop being perfect for a sec ? fuck. (renifle et rire ) i really love hearing you talk about cars and shit even if i don't understand it half of the time. and - yea. all you said. all of it. i really want to learn a lot about you and - i really want to say a lot to you. even if i'm scared. i - nobody give me feels like that before, scar. nobody except you.
(silence) well we are officially super cheesy right now (rire) and you know what? you're the only i like being cheesy with (rire, un peu gêné)
i don't even like cheese (a little bit rude) but i guess it's all right, with you. (renifle encore) so hm - (gêné) do you want the letter ?
okay go on, i'm listening.
ok so - wait ( va se moucher, loin du tel) ok. j'avais une peluche, lorsque j'étais petit. je ne sais pas du tout d'où elle venait. peut-être d'un zoo, d'un parc d'attraction ou juste d'un magasin quelconque. qu'importe ; c'était un panda, dans tous les cas. un gros panda ; dans mes souvenirs, il était gigantesque. j'arrive à peine à passer mes bras autour de son corps pour le prendre contre moi. je lui avais donné un nom. quelque chose comme - comme papou, ou patrick ou - je sais pas. quelque chose qui commençait par pa , dans tous les cas. je l'amenais partout avec moi; à l'école, aux matchs et à l'entrainement d'exy, à la toilette, dans mon lit. je crois que j'ai pris mon bain avec lui, parfois, mais mes parents - enfin, non, curtis. ce n'est pas mon père - s'en est rendu compte et, après avoir ri de moi un moment, m'a dit qu'il ne fallait pas faire ça. puis j'ai eu des poux, à sept ans. comme tous les enfants, j'imagine. et comme je l'avais toujours avec moi, on a été obligé de le mettre dans un sac refermable pendant près d'une semaine pour tuer les poux qui se trouvaient sur lui. je crois que ça a été ma première peine d'amour, vraiment. j'ai pleuré pendant des heures. les premières nuits, je me suis endormi après avoir pleurer trop fort de ne pas pouvoir le serrer dans mes bras. je crois que j'en ai même fait de l'anxiété, d'être à des endroits sans sa compagnie, tu vois ? j'avais oublié cette histoire, tu sais ? mais être ici, entre ces murs...et ne plus te voir ou t'entendre quelque part dans les entourages, ça m'a rappelé le sentiment qu'avait clifford, sept ans, sans sa peluche préférée.  
i - hm. i don't know. you were there all the time and - and then not, you know ? i just - i guess (soupire) i had just realised how much i care about you, maybe. or, how much i love when i see you all the time.
yea it was kinda the same for me. i realised how much i liked to see you around when i was working. you were my motivation.
stop being cute scar. you can't fool me (rire gêné) i should come more to the bar even if i dont have anything to study ...or. hm. you should run with me sometime ?
you sure i can't? (rire) running? yea i think it would be good for me to do sports again (rire)
you just - fucker (rire) i don't even think you can stop (silence) i - good. i mean sometime grim is with me but it doesn't bother you right ? he isn't a bad guy
oh okay no problem. (petit silence) who is he?
eh... a friend i guess ? he play exy for a pro team. and hm. he's a mercury ? whatever it is. jad said that. (silence) he isn't really cute you don't have to worry scar
oh. this grim. okay. (silence) worry 'bout what? just wanted to know 'bout your friend
hmhm (retient un rire ) hey scar ? You really cute
(grogne dans un raclement de gorge) i'm not right now.  and i just wanted to know 'bout your friend. like i've  an interest in the people you hang out with.
yeah really ? hmhm. i believe you. he's fine. And your friend ?
mh. my friend? which one?
who you want. i dont really know them
well… mh. there are jad, sami and yasmeen,  max, paul but… yea paul. (silence) ashley, gali, sasha, josh, lupe, yohan, bebe. (inspire) i think you'd like 'em all.
paul the dead one ? the shark ? And eh ( silence) a cluster ? A twin? if you believe in that
mh, yea, the dead one. (silence, raclement de gorge) do you? 'cause yea, i'm in a cluster and i've a twin and a soulmate and yea. i believe in all of these.
sorry about that. i didn't like him but he was your friend so...(soupire) yea. yea me too. cosmic twin sister and a cluster and - (silence) yea. a soulmate. curtis
curtis, mh. (silence) so a twin sister? really? where is she?
yea....destiny sucks eh ? (rire faible) hm... I don't want to tell you. you could fall in love with her, she's a warrior princess like in the anime ( rire ) she's on earth
ya really? you're right, destiny sucks; i fell for the wrong twin. (rire moqueur) how is it between you two? i mean. have you already met her?
hmm...nan, you didn't. dont make me cry again ( silence) eh. we talk sometime. but no. I'm not good with people so... I don't even talk to my cluster 'cause... well i don't know. im shit with people (rire)
(rire) ok, i didn't. (silence) i'm sorry 'cause i've lots of people 'round me so… you won't escape from this (rire)
ah. its ok you ( silence) you worth it..
(laisse un rire s'échapper) am i?
(pas a l'aise)  are you fishing for compliment scar ?
(rire) sorry i'm just surprised. no need to go on.
na its alright. anyway you are a big part of the next book so...(rire nerveux ) even the last one...
next one? last one? ok i'm surprised again (rire)
scar, all the poems i write about you i put them in my books
(silence) what? (silence) really?
(rire) yea idiot. All of them. all the teen girls who reads my books know you
oh god, sounds serious (rire)
im pretty sure they love you more than me
they love your words.
they love how i talk about you. they dont like me. a few month ago a girl came to talk to me about my poems but she was crying and i just...fuck. i ran ( rire) im shit at people
(rire) well, is it a big deal? i mean you are obviously shit with all social things (rire) but does it like... disturb you?
not really. i dont know how to react with compliments or nice people sometime and - and maybe people i like..like you ( rire ) but no. I just - i dont care about the fame or the fans and - yed i write poems and they read them but...its fine if it help them but i dont want to do meet up and stuff you know ? they hate it, of course. they think im rude. (rire) its true i guess. but no. im fine like it and if i really something or someone (silence) well. i force myself cause its important
maybe you can be rude and all but… it's just you. you don't have to force yourself except if it's for you because you want it you know?
yea, i know. i do it for myself, you know. like... all the letters, and - all this stuff. i do it for me. for you. (soupire) for us. 'ause i want a us but i need it to be a good one. i want to give us all the chance we can have. or some shit like that, i don't know.
ahh fuck (soupire, rire léger, silence) i don't know what to say - i feel like a kid right now (rire)
ah. (silence) why ? can you try ? and explain... i want to know how you feel
(râle) raah you know i'm not good at it. (silence) well i don't know it's just… i'm happy to hear that. in an egoistic way and to know it can be good for you. i mean. well i don't know (rire) i'm glad to be a part of this story.
(silence) eh. (rire) cool (soupire, nouveau rire) yea. cool. it's make me happy. it's stupid (rire encore)
we're cheesy again you know that (rire) i've never felt like this before to be honest.
ah fuck off (rire) give us a few weeks and we're gonna be lactose intolerant yea (rire) god i hate myself. can you tell me why i had the idea of not doing anything before you hear all the letters ? 'cause i really want to kiss you right now.
(silence) i've wanted to kiss you since we met again for the first time after you got out of jail.
(silence) yea ? maybe i dreamed it. maybe i dreamed you.
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20 sept. 00:02
(raclement de gorge) mh, hi, how you doing?
hi ? (silence. soupire brusque) hello ? who's this ? hello ?
(silence, perplexe) cliff? it's scar. where are you?
(grogne) hello? jesus christ what (bruit de mouvement ) ah, fuck. (renifle) so. i put the phone on my wrong ear. sorry (rire nerveux) hi ?
(rire) what the fuck? you serious? (soupire) how you doing babe?
scar ? don't (rire) don't laugh, man. fuck (gêné) a little bit tired, to be honest. you ?
what's wrong with you? you deaf from an ear and you got the wrong one? do i love an idiot? (rire) mh i'm fine, i'm not really tired tonight that's why i'm calling you. what are you doing?
i - (silence) what ? what did you say ? i (silence) can you say that again, please ?
what? say what? that you're an idiot? (rire) that you're deaf from an ear? thought you knew (rire)
no i - the thing before the - the idiot (soupire) fuck. i - scar. (silence, bruit de respiration) fuck, scar. (inspire) it's not funny. i - (silence)
what? that i love the idiot you are? i thought you knew that too.
oh my god don't say that (silence, bruit de souffle ) jesus christ i'm gonna have a panic attack or some shit like that 'cause of you, idiot. you just-
you can't just tell me stuff like that. fucking - fucking stupid shit (silence, puis tout bas, presque vulnérable.) how can you - you - really ? it's true ?

oh babe. calm down. (rire) what really? i mean. who can't?
i - (reniflement) can you say it again, please ? for me.
wait. are you crying?
(succession de reniflements) don't be stupid (silence) who care ? just - (petit reniflement ) scar fuck just - please ?
oh man. you please just stop crying. i won't say it again if it's going to make you cry. (long silence, soupire) i love you, cliff. please stop crying.
i already said i'm not crying ! god i (inspire, petit silence) i'm fine i - (soupire tremblant, reniflement) i don't really know what to say, but i have a poem i wrote after the night you sleep here and - can i read it ? and after, i'm gonna read the poem before i forget
okay… of course you can.
ok - ok let me just (bruit de mouvement, de papiers)  why am i always running in circles / between wanting you to want me / and when you want me / deciding it is too emotionally naked / for me to live with / who do i make loving me so difficult / as if you should never gave to witness / the ghosts i have tucked under my breast / i used to be more open / when it came to matters like this (petite pause)  my love
(silence) well. it's really pretty. i mean. it's always really pretty. your words are.
i - thank (silence) but do you understand ?
i- i'm not that sure...but you know you don't know shit 'bout cars i don't know shit 'bout poetry
ah. yea, you're right (rire léger) hm. so. (raclement de gorge) i guess i - i really want to make it work. and - and i need you to know about my issues for that and - and stop, i need to stop being scared about shit like love and you. and - and not be mad at you from some shit you don't know 'cause. because it's my issues, not your. and -(inspire) and i'm pretty sure - if i'm not in love with you right now, 'cause i don't really - well  i (rire nerveux)- i don't really know what love is, in fact -  i'm gonna be pretty soon. even if it scared me like crazy.  
(inspire) look. i don't know shit 'bout love. i think i even know more 'bout poetry and grammar. (rire) i mean. i like you. like, a lot. i like spending time with you, watching your anime and listening to you for hours on the phone. i only know that i've never really liked someone like this before. i don't know if i'm in love with you, maybe i'm not right now. i just love the person you are and the idea of you being in my life for a long time. i don't care if you're not in love. i mean, does it really matter right now? i need to know things 'bout you and you need to know things 'bout me. you don't have to put pressure on yourself. i mean. don't think and it's gonna be alright.
(renifle) ok so, right now i'm crying. god (rire) can you stop being perfect for a sec ? fuck. (renifle et rire ) i really love hearing you talk about cars and shit even if i don't understand it half of the time. and - yea. all you said. all of it. i really want to learn a lot about you and - i really want to say a lot to you. even if i'm scared. i - nobody give me feels like that before, scar. nobody except you.
(silence) well we are officially super cheesy right now (rire) and you know what? you're the only i like being cheesy with (rire, un peu gêné)
i don't even like cheese (a little bit rude) but i guess it's all right, with you. (renifle encore) so hm - (gêné) do you want the letter ?
okay go on, i'm listening.
ok so - wait ( va se moucher, loin du tel) ok. j'avais une peluche, lorsque j'étais petit. je ne sais pas du tout d'où elle venait. peut-être d'un zoo, d'un parc d'attraction ou juste d'un magasin quelconque. qu'importe ; c'était un panda, dans tous les cas. un gros panda ; dans mes souvenirs, il était gigantesque. j'arrive à peine à passer mes bras autour de son corps pour le prendre contre moi. je lui avais donné un nom. quelque chose comme - comme papou, ou patrick ou - je sais pas. quelque chose qui commençait par pa , dans tous les cas. je l'amenais partout avec moi; à l'école, aux matchs et à l'entrainement d'exy, à la toilette, dans mon lit. je crois que j'ai pris mon bain avec lui, parfois, mais mes parents - enfin, non, curtis. ce n'est pas mon père - s'en est rendu compte et, après avoir ri de moi un moment, m'a dit qu'il ne fallait pas faire ça. puis j'ai eu des poux, à sept ans. comme tous les enfants, j'imagine. et comme je l'avais toujours avec moi, on a été obligé de le mettre dans un sac refermable pendant près d'une semaine pour tuer les poux qui se trouvaient sur lui. je crois que ça a été ma première peine d'amour, vraiment. j'ai pleuré pendant des heures. les premières nuits, je me suis endormi après avoir pleurer trop fort de ne pas pouvoir le serrer dans mes bras. je crois que j'en ai même fait de l'anxiété, d'être à des endroits sans sa compagnie, tu vois ? j'avais oublié cette histoire, tu sais ? mais être ici, entre ces murs...et ne plus te voir ou t'entendre quelque part dans les entourages, ça m'a rappelé le sentiment qu'avait clifford, sept ans, sans sa peluche préférée.  
i - hm. i don't know. you were there all the time and - and then not, you know ? i just - i guess (soupire) i had just realised how much i care about you, maybe. or, how much i love when i see you all the time.
yea it was kinda the same for me. i realised how much i liked to see you around when i was working. you were my motivation.
stop being cute scar. you can't fool me (rire gêné) i should come more to the bar even if i dont have anything to study ...or. hm. you should run with me sometime ?
you sure i can't? (rire) running? yea i think it would be good for me to do sports again (rire)
you just - fucker (rire) i don't even think you can stop (silence) i - good. i mean sometime grim is with me but it doesn't bother you right ? he isn't a bad guy
oh okay no problem. (petit silence) who is he?
eh... a friend i guess ? he play exy for a pro team. and hm. he's a mercury ? whatever it is. jad said that. (silence) he isn't really cute you don't have to worry scar
oh. this grim. okay. (silence) worry 'bout what? just wanted to know 'bout your friend
hmhm (retient un rire ) hey scar ? You really cute
(grogne dans un raclement de gorge) i'm not right now.  and i just wanted to know 'bout your friend. like i've  an interest in the people you hang out with.
yeah really ? hmhm. i believe you. he's fine. And your friend ?
mh. my friend? which one?
who you want. i dont really know them
well… mh. there are jad, sami and yasmeen,  max, paul but… yea paul. (silence) ashley, gali, sasha, josh, lupe, yohan, bebe. (inspire) i think you'd like 'em all.
paul the dead one ? the shark ? And eh ( silence) a cluster ? A twin? if you believe in that
mh, yea, the dead one. (silence, raclement de gorge) do you? 'cause yea, i'm in a cluster and i've a twin and a soulmate and yea. i believe in all of these.
sorry about that. i didn't like him but he was your friend so...(soupire) yea. yea me too. cosmic twin sister and a cluster and - (silence) yea. a soulmate. curtis
curtis, mh. (silence) so a twin sister? really? where is she?
yea....destiny sucks eh ? (rire faible) hm... I don't want to tell you. you could fall in love with her, she's a warrior princess like in the anime ( rire ) she's on earth
ya really? you're right, destiny sucks; i fell for the wrong twin. (rire moqueur) how is it between you two? i mean. have you already met her?
hmm...nan, you didn't. dont make me cry again ( silence) eh. we talk sometime. but no. I'm not good with people so... I don't even talk to my cluster 'cause... well i don't know. im shit with people (rire)
(rire) ok, i didn't. (silence) i'm sorry 'cause i've lots of people 'round me so… you won't escape from this (rire)
ah. its ok you ( silence) you worth it..
(laisse un rire s'échapper) am i?
(pas a l'aise)  are you fishing for compliment scar ?
(rire) sorry i'm just surprised. no need to go on.
na its alright. anyway you are a big part of the next book so...(rire nerveux ) even the last one...
next one? last one? ok i'm surprised again (rire)
scar, all the poems i write about you i put them in my books
(silence) what? (silence) really?
(rire) yea idiot. All of them. all the teen girls who reads my books know you
oh god, sounds serious (rire)
im pretty sure they love you more than me
they love your words.
they love how i talk about you. they dont like me. a few month ago a girl came to talk to me about my poems but she was crying and i just...fuck. i ran ( rire) im shit at people
(rire) well, is it a big deal? i mean you are obviously shit with all social things (rire) but does it like... disturb you?
not really. i dont know how to react with compliments or nice people sometime and - and maybe people i like..like you ( rire ) but no. I just - i dont care about the fame or the fans and - yed i write poems and they read them but...its fine if it help them but i dont want to do meet up and stuff you know ? they hate it, of course. they think im rude. (rire) its true i guess. but no. im fine like it and if i really something or someone (silence) well. i force myself cause its important
maybe you can be rude and all but… it's just you. you don't have to force yourself except if it's for you because you want it you know?
yea, i know. i do it for myself, you know. like... all the letters, and - all this stuff. i do it for me. for you. (soupire) for us. 'ause i want a us but i need it to be a good one. i want to give us all the chance we can have. or some shit like that, i don't know.
ahh fuck (soupire, rire léger, silence) i don't know what to say - i feel like a kid right now (rire)
ah. (silence) why ? can you try ? and explain... i want to know how you feel
(râle) raah you know i'm not good at it. (silence) well i don't know it's just… i'm happy to hear that. in an egoistic way and to know it can be good for you. i mean. well i don't know (rire) i'm glad to be a part of this story.
(silence) eh. (rire) cool (soupire, nouveau rire) yea. cool. it's make me happy. it's stupid (rire encore)
we're cheesy again you know that (rire) i've never felt like this before to be honest.
ah fuck off (rire) give us a few weeks and we're gonna be lactose intolerant yea (rire) god i hate myself. can you tell me why i had the idea of not doing anything before you hear all the letters ? 'cause i really want to kiss you right now.
(silence) i've wanted to kiss you since we met again for the first time after you got out of jail.
(silence) yea ? maybe i dreamed it. maybe i dreamed you.
(rire léger) what was in your dream?
fuck i dunno scar. i hope the future (silence) wow. (raclement de gorge. pas à l'aise ) oh wow it's late.
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20 sept. 00:02
(raclement de gorge) mh, hi, how you doing?
hi ? (silence. soupire brusque) hello ? who's this ? hello ?
(silence, perplexe) cliff? it's scar. where are you?
(grogne) hello? jesus christ what (bruit de mouvement ) ah, fuck. (renifle) so. i put the phone on my wrong ear. sorry (rire nerveux) hi ?
(rire) what the fuck? you serious? (soupire) how you doing babe?
scar ? don't (rire) don't laugh, man. fuck (gêné) a little bit tired, to be honest. you ?
what's wrong with you? you deaf from an ear and you got the wrong one? do i love an idiot? (rire) mh i'm fine, i'm not really tired tonight that's why i'm calling you. what are you doing?
i - (silence) what ? what did you say ? i (silence) can you say that again, please ?
what? say what? that you're an idiot? (rire) that you're deaf from an ear? thought you knew (rire)
no i - the thing before the - the idiot (soupire) fuck. i - scar. (silence, bruit de respiration) fuck, scar. (inspire) it's not funny. i - (silence)
what? that i love the idiot you are? i thought you knew that too.
oh my god don't say that (silence, bruit de souffle ) jesus christ i'm gonna have a panic attack or some shit like that 'cause of you, idiot. you just-
you can't just tell me stuff like that. fucking - fucking stupid shit (silence, puis tout bas, presque vulnérable.) how can you - you - really ? it's true ?

oh babe. calm down. (rire) what really? i mean. who can't?
i - (reniflement) can you say it again, please ? for me.
wait. are you crying?
(succession de reniflements) don't be stupid (silence) who care ? just - (petit reniflement ) scar fuck just - please ?
oh man. you please just stop crying. i won't say it again if it's going to make you cry. (long silence, soupire) i love you, cliff. please stop crying.
i already said i'm not crying ! god i (inspire, petit silence) i'm fine i - (soupire tremblant, reniflement) i don't really know what to say, but i have a poem i wrote after the night you sleep here and - can i read it ? and after, i'm gonna read the poem before i forget
okay… of course you can.
ok - ok let me just (bruit de mouvement, de papiers)  why am i always running in circles / between wanting you to want me / and when you want me / deciding it is too emotionally naked / for me to live with / who do i make loving me so difficult / as if you should never gave to witness / the ghosts i have tucked under my breast / i used to be more open / when it came to matters like this (petite pause)  my love
(silence) well. it's really pretty. i mean. it's always really pretty. your words are.
i - thank (silence) but do you understand ?
i- i'm not that sure...but you know you don't know shit 'bout cars i don't know shit 'bout poetry
ah. yea, you're right (rire léger) hm. so. (raclement de gorge) i guess i - i really want to make it work. and - and i need you to know about my issues for that and - and stop, i need to stop being scared about shit like love and you. and - and not be mad at you from some shit you don't know 'cause. because it's my issues, not your. and -(inspire) and i'm pretty sure - if i'm not in love with you right now, 'cause i don't really - well  i (rire nerveux)- i don't really know what love is, in fact -  i'm gonna be pretty soon. even if it scared me like crazy.  
(inspire) look. i don't know shit 'bout love. i think i even know more 'bout poetry and grammar. (rire) i mean. i like you. like, a lot. i like spending time with you, watching your anime and listening to you for hours on the phone. i only know that i've never really liked someone like this before. i don't know if i'm in love with you, maybe i'm not right now. i just love the person you are and the idea of you being in my life for a long time. i don't care if you're not in love. i mean, does it really matter right now? i need to know things 'bout you and you need to know things 'bout me. you don't have to put pressure on yourself. i mean. don't think and it's gonna be alright.
(renifle) ok so, right now i'm crying. god (rire) can you stop being perfect for a sec ? fuck. (renifle et rire ) i really love hearing you talk about cars and shit even if i don't understand it half of the time. and - yea. all you said. all of it. i really want to learn a lot about you and - i really want to say a lot to you. even if i'm scared. i - nobody give me feels like that before, scar. nobody except you.
(silence) well we are officially super cheesy right now (rire) and you know what? you're the only i like being cheesy with (rire, un peu gêné)
i don't even like cheese (a little bit rude) but i guess it's all right, with you. (renifle encore) so hm - (gêné) do you want the letter ?
okay go on, i'm listening.
ok so - wait ( va se moucher, loin du tel) ok. j'avais une peluche, lorsque j'étais petit. je ne sais pas du tout d'où elle venait. peut-être d'un zoo, d'un parc d'attraction ou juste d'un magasin quelconque. qu'importe ; c'était un panda, dans tous les cas. un gros panda ; dans mes souvenirs, il était gigantesque. j'arrive à peine à passer mes bras autour de son corps pour le prendre contre moi. je lui avais donné un nom. quelque chose comme - comme papou, ou patrick ou - je sais pas. quelque chose qui commençait par pa , dans tous les cas. je l'amenais partout avec moi; à l'école, aux matchs et à l'entrainement d'exy, à la toilette, dans mon lit. je crois que j'ai pris mon bain avec lui, parfois, mais mes parents - enfin, non, curtis. ce n'est pas mon père - s'en est rendu compte et, après avoir ri de moi un moment, m'a dit qu'il ne fallait pas faire ça. puis j'ai eu des poux, à sept ans. comme tous les enfants, j'imagine. et comme je l'avais toujours avec moi, on a été obligé de le mettre dans un sac refermable pendant près d'une semaine pour tuer les poux qui se trouvaient sur lui. je crois que ça a été ma première peine d'amour, vraiment. j'ai pleuré pendant des heures. les premières nuits, je me suis endormi après avoir pleurer trop fort de ne pas pouvoir le serrer dans mes bras. je crois que j'en ai même fait de l'anxiété, d'être à des endroits sans sa compagnie, tu vois ? j'avais oublié cette histoire, tu sais ? mais être ici, entre ces murs...et ne plus te voir ou t'entendre quelque part dans les entourages, ça m'a rappelé le sentiment qu'avait clifford, sept ans, sans sa peluche préférée.  
i - hm. i don't know. you were there all the time and - and then not, you know ? i just - i guess (soupire) i had just realised how much i care about you, maybe. or, how much i love when i see you all the time.
yea it was kinda the same for me. i realised how much i liked to see you around when i was working. you were my motivation.
stop being cute scar. you can't fool me (rire gêné) i should come more to the bar even if i dont have anything to study ...or. hm. you should run with me sometime ?
you sure i can't? (rire) running? yea i think it would be good for me to do sports again (rire)
you just - fucker (rire) i don't even think you can stop (silence) i - good. i mean sometime grim is with me but it doesn't bother you right ? he isn't a bad guy
oh okay no problem. (petit silence) who is he?
eh... a friend i guess ? he play exy for a pro team. and hm. he's a mercury ? whatever it is. jad said that. (silence) he isn't really cute you don't have to worry scar
oh. this grim. okay. (silence) worry 'bout what? just wanted to know 'bout your friend
hmhm (retient un rire ) hey scar ? You really cute
(grogne dans un raclement de gorge) i'm not right now.  and i just wanted to know 'bout your friend. like i've  an interest in the people you hang out with.
yeah really ? hmhm. i believe you. he's fine. And your friend ?
mh. my friend? which one?
who you want. i dont really know them
well… mh. there are jad, sami and yasmeen,  max, paul but… yea paul. (silence) ashley, gali, sasha, josh, lupe, yohan, bebe. (inspire) i think you'd like 'em all.
paul the dead one ? the shark ? And eh ( silence) a cluster ? A twin? if you believe in that
mh, yea, the dead one. (silence, raclement de gorge) do you? 'cause yea, i'm in a cluster and i've a twin and a soulmate and yea. i believe in all of these.
sorry about that. i didn't like him but he was your friend so...(soupire) yea. yea me too. cosmic twin sister and a cluster and - (silence) yea. a soulmate. curtis
curtis, mh. (silence) so a twin sister? really? where is she?
yea....destiny sucks eh ? (rire faible) hm... I don't want to tell you. you could fall in love with her, she's a warrior princess like in the anime ( rire ) she's on earth
ya really? you're right, destiny sucks; i fell for the wrong twin. (rire moqueur) how is it between you two? i mean. have you already met her?
hmm...nan, you didn't. dont make me cry again ( silence) eh. we talk sometime. but no. I'm not good with people so... I don't even talk to my cluster 'cause... well i don't know. im shit with people (rire)
(rire) ok, i didn't. (silence) i'm sorry 'cause i've lots of people 'round me so… you won't escape from this (rire)
ah. its ok you ( silence) you worth it..
(laisse un rire s'échapper) am i?
(pas a l'aise)  are you fishing for compliment scar ?
(rire) sorry i'm just surprised. no need to go on.
na its alright. anyway you are a big part of the next book so...(rire nerveux ) even the last one...
next one? last one? ok i'm surprised again (rire)
scar, all the poems i write about you i put them in my books
(silence) what? (silence) really?
(rire) yea idiot. All of them. all the teen girls who reads my books know you
oh god, sounds serious (rire)
im pretty sure they love you more than me
they love your words.
they love how i talk about you. they dont like me. a few month ago a girl came to talk to me about my poems but she was crying and i just...fuck. i ran ( rire) im shit at people
(rire) well, is it a big deal? i mean you are obviously shit with all social things (rire) but does it like... disturb you?
not really. i dont know how to react with compliments or nice people sometime and - and maybe people i like..like you ( rire ) but no. I just - i dont care about the fame or the fans and - yed i write poems and they read them but...its fine if it help them but i dont want to do meet up and stuff you know ? they hate it, of course. they think im rude. (rire) its true i guess. but no. im fine like it and if i really something or someone (silence) well. i force myself cause its important
maybe you can be rude and all but… it's just you. you don't have to force yourself except if it's for you because you want it you know?
yea, i know. i do it for myself, you know. like... all the letters, and - all this stuff. i do it for me. for you. (soupire) for us. 'ause i want a us but i need it to be a good one. i want to give us all the chance we can have. or some shit like that, i don't know.
ahh fuck (soupire, rire léger, silence) i don't know what to say - i feel like a kid right now (rire)
ah. (silence) why ? can you try ? and explain... i want to know how you feel
(râle) raah you know i'm not good at it. (silence) well i don't know it's just… i'm happy to hear that. in an egoistic way and to know it can be good for you. i mean. well i don't know (rire) i'm glad to be a part of this story.
(silence) eh. (rire) cool (soupire, nouveau rire) yea. cool. it's make me happy. it's stupid (rire encore)
we're cheesy again you know that (rire) i've never felt like this before to be honest.
ah fuck off (rire) give us a few weeks and we're gonna be lactose intolerant yea (rire) god i hate myself. can you tell me why i had the idea of not doing anything before you hear all the letters ? 'cause i really want to kiss you right now.
(silence) i've wanted to kiss you since we met again for the first time after you got out of jail.
(silence) yea ? maybe i dreamed it. maybe i dreamed you.
(rire léger) what was in your dream?
fuck i dunno scar. i hope the future (silence) wow. (raclement de gorge. pas à l'aise ) oh wow it's late.
(éloigne le téléphone de son oreille pour rire) yea it's late and we're both idiots so maybe we should go to sleep right now and stop these stupid things.
eh (grimace) dunno (baille) don't wanna.
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20 sept. 00:02
(raclement de gorge) mh, hi, how you doing?
hi ? (silence. soupire brusque) hello ? who's this ? hello ?
(silence, perplexe) cliff? it's scar. where are you?
(grogne) hello? jesus christ what (bruit de mouvement ) ah, fuck. (renifle) so. i put the phone on my wrong ear. sorry (rire nerveux) hi ?
(rire) what the fuck? you serious? (soupire) how you doing babe?
scar ? don't (rire) don't laugh, man. fuck (gêné) a little bit tired, to be honest. you ?
what's wrong with you? you deaf from an ear and you got the wrong one? do i love an idiot? (rire) mh i'm fine, i'm not really tired tonight that's why i'm calling you. what are you doing?
i - (silence) what ? what did you say ? i (silence) can you say that again, please ?
what? say what? that you're an idiot? (rire) that you're deaf from an ear? thought you knew (rire)
no i - the thing before the - the idiot (soupire) fuck. i - scar. (silence, bruit de respiration) fuck, scar. (inspire) it's not funny. i - (silence)
what? that i love the idiot you are? i thought you knew that too.
oh my god don't say that (silence, bruit de souffle ) jesus christ i'm gonna have a panic attack or some shit like that 'cause of you, idiot. you just-
you can't just tell me stuff like that. fucking - fucking stupid shit (silence, puis tout bas, presque vulnérable.) how can you - you - really ? it's true ?

oh babe. calm down. (rire) what really? i mean. who can't?
i - (reniflement) can you say it again, please ? for me.
wait. are you crying?
(succession de reniflements) don't be stupid (silence) who care ? just - (petit reniflement ) scar fuck just - please ?
oh man. you please just stop crying. i won't say it again if it's going to make you cry. (long silence, soupire) i love you, cliff. please stop crying.
i already said i'm not crying ! god i (inspire, petit silence) i'm fine i - (soupire tremblant, reniflement) i don't really know what to say, but i have a poem i wrote after the night you sleep here and - can i read it ? and after, i'm gonna read the poem before i forget
okay… of course you can.
ok - ok let me just (bruit de mouvement, de papiers)  why am i always running in circles / between wanting you to want me / and when you want me / deciding it is too emotionally naked / for me to live with / who do i make loving me so difficult / as if you should never gave to witness / the ghosts i have tucked under my breast / i used to be more open / when it came to matters like this (petite pause)  my love
(silence) well. it's really pretty. i mean. it's always really pretty. your words are.
i - thank (silence) but do you understand ?
i- i'm not that sure...but you know you don't know shit 'bout cars i don't know shit 'bout poetry
ah. yea, you're right (rire léger) hm. so. (raclement de gorge) i guess i - i really want to make it work. and - and i need you to know about my issues for that and - and stop, i need to stop being scared about shit like love and you. and - and not be mad at you from some shit you don't know 'cause. because it's my issues, not your. and -(inspire) and i'm pretty sure - if i'm not in love with you right now, 'cause i don't really - well  i (rire nerveux)- i don't really know what love is, in fact -  i'm gonna be pretty soon. even if it scared me like crazy.  
(inspire) look. i don't know shit 'bout love. i think i even know more 'bout poetry and grammar. (rire) i mean. i like you. like, a lot. i like spending time with you, watching your anime and listening to you for hours on the phone. i only know that i've never really liked someone like this before. i don't know if i'm in love with you, maybe i'm not right now. i just love the person you are and the idea of you being in my life for a long time. i don't care if you're not in love. i mean, does it really matter right now? i need to know things 'bout you and you need to know things 'bout me. you don't have to put pressure on yourself. i mean. don't think and it's gonna be alright.
(renifle) ok so, right now i'm crying. god (rire) can you stop being perfect for a sec ? fuck. (renifle et rire ) i really love hearing you talk about cars and shit even if i don't understand it half of the time. and - yea. all you said. all of it. i really want to learn a lot about you and - i really want to say a lot to you. even if i'm scared. i - nobody give me feels like that before, scar. nobody except you.
(silence) well we are officially super cheesy right now (rire) and you know what? you're the only i like being cheesy with (rire, un peu gêné)
i don't even like cheese (a little bit rude) but i guess it's all right, with you. (renifle encore) so hm - (gêné) do you want the letter ?
okay go on, i'm listening.
ok so - wait ( va se moucher, loin du tel) ok. j'avais une peluche, lorsque j'étais petit. je ne sais pas du tout d'où elle venait. peut-être d'un zoo, d'un parc d'attraction ou juste d'un magasin quelconque. qu'importe ; c'était un panda, dans tous les cas. un gros panda ; dans mes souvenirs, il était gigantesque. j'arrive à peine à passer mes bras autour de son corps pour le prendre contre moi. je lui avais donné un nom. quelque chose comme - comme papou, ou patrick ou - je sais pas. quelque chose qui commençait par pa , dans tous les cas. je l'amenais partout avec moi; à l'école, aux matchs et à l'entrainement d'exy, à la toilette, dans mon lit. je crois que j'ai pris mon bain avec lui, parfois, mais mes parents - enfin, non, curtis. ce n'est pas mon père - s'en est rendu compte et, après avoir ri de moi un moment, m'a dit qu'il ne fallait pas faire ça. puis j'ai eu des poux, à sept ans. comme tous les enfants, j'imagine. et comme je l'avais toujours avec moi, on a été obligé de le mettre dans un sac refermable pendant près d'une semaine pour tuer les poux qui se trouvaient sur lui. je crois que ça a été ma première peine d'amour, vraiment. j'ai pleuré pendant des heures. les premières nuits, je me suis endormi après avoir pleurer trop fort de ne pas pouvoir le serrer dans mes bras. je crois que j'en ai même fait de l'anxiété, d'être à des endroits sans sa compagnie, tu vois ? j'avais oublié cette histoire, tu sais ? mais être ici, entre ces murs...et ne plus te voir ou t'entendre quelque part dans les entourages, ça m'a rappelé le sentiment qu'avait clifford, sept ans, sans sa peluche préférée.  
i - hm. i don't know. you were there all the time and - and then not, you know ? i just - i guess (soupire) i had just realised how much i care about you, maybe. or, how much i love when i see you all the time.
yea it was kinda the same for me. i realised how much i liked to see you around when i was working. you were my motivation.
stop being cute scar. you can't fool me (rire gêné) i should come more to the bar even if i dont have anything to study ...or. hm. you should run with me sometime ?
you sure i can't? (rire) running? yea i think it would be good for me to do sports again (rire)
you just - fucker (rire) i don't even think you can stop (silence) i - good. i mean sometime grim is with me but it doesn't bother you right ? he isn't a bad guy
oh okay no problem. (petit silence) who is he?
eh... a friend i guess ? he play exy for a pro team. and hm. he's a mercury ? whatever it is. jad said that. (silence) he isn't really cute you don't have to worry scar
oh. this grim. okay. (silence) worry 'bout what? just wanted to know 'bout your friend
hmhm (retient un rire ) hey scar ? You really cute
(grogne dans un raclement de gorge) i'm not right now.  and i just wanted to know 'bout your friend. like i've  an interest in the people you hang out with.
yeah really ? hmhm. i believe you. he's fine. And your friend ?
mh. my friend? which one?
who you want. i dont really know them
well… mh. there are jad, sami and yasmeen,  max, paul but… yea paul. (silence) ashley, gali, sasha, josh, lupe, yohan, bebe. (inspire) i think you'd like 'em all.
paul the dead one ? the shark ? And eh ( silence) a cluster ? A twin? if you believe in that
mh, yea, the dead one. (silence, raclement de gorge) do you? 'cause yea, i'm in a cluster and i've a twin and a soulmate and yea. i believe in all of these.
sorry about that. i didn't like him but he was your friend so...(soupire) yea. yea me too. cosmic twin sister and a cluster and - (silence) yea. a soulmate. curtis
curtis, mh. (silence) so a twin sister? really? where is she?
yea....destiny sucks eh ? (rire faible) hm... I don't want to tell you. you could fall in love with her, she's a warrior princess like in the anime ( rire ) she's on earth
ya really? you're right, destiny sucks; i fell for the wrong twin. (rire moqueur) how is it between you two? i mean. have you already met her?
hmm...nan, you didn't. dont make me cry again ( silence) eh. we talk sometime. but no. I'm not good with people so... I don't even talk to my cluster 'cause... well i don't know. im shit with people (rire)
(rire) ok, i didn't. (silence) i'm sorry 'cause i've lots of people 'round me so… you won't escape from this (rire)
ah. its ok you ( silence) you worth it..
(laisse un rire s'échapper) am i?
(pas a l'aise)  are you fishing for compliment scar ?
(rire) sorry i'm just surprised. no need to go on.
na its alright. anyway you are a big part of the next book so...(rire nerveux ) even the last one...
next one? last one? ok i'm surprised again (rire)
scar, all the poems i write about you i put them in my books
(silence) what? (silence) really?
(rire) yea idiot. All of them. all the teen girls who reads my books know you
oh god, sounds serious (rire)
im pretty sure they love you more than me
they love your words.
they love how i talk about you. they dont like me. a few month ago a girl came to talk to me about my poems but she was crying and i just...fuck. i ran ( rire) im shit at people
(rire) well, is it a big deal? i mean you are obviously shit with all social things (rire) but does it like... disturb you?
not really. i dont know how to react with compliments or nice people sometime and - and maybe people i like..like you ( rire ) but no. I just - i dont care about the fame or the fans and - yed i write poems and they read them but...its fine if it help them but i dont want to do meet up and stuff you know ? they hate it, of course. they think im rude. (rire) its true i guess. but no. im fine like it and if i really something or someone (silence) well. i force myself cause its important
maybe you can be rude and all but… it's just you. you don't have to force yourself except if it's for you because you want it you know?
yea, i know. i do it for myself, you know. like... all the letters, and - all this stuff. i do it for me. for you. (soupire) for us. 'ause i want a us but i need it to be a good one. i want to give us all the chance we can have. or some shit like that, i don't know.
ahh fuck (soupire, rire léger, silence) i don't know what to say - i feel like a kid right now (rire)
ah. (silence) why ? can you try ? and explain... i want to know how you feel
(râle) raah you know i'm not good at it. (silence) well i don't know it's just… i'm happy to hear that. in an egoistic way and to know it can be good for you. i mean. well i don't know (rire) i'm glad to be a part of this story.
(silence) eh. (rire) cool (soupire, nouveau rire) yea. cool. it's make me happy. it's stupid (rire encore)
we're cheesy again you know that (rire) i've never felt like this before to be honest.
ah fuck off (rire) give us a few weeks and we're gonna be lactose intolerant yea (rire) god i hate myself. can you tell me why i had the idea of not doing anything before you hear all the letters ? 'cause i really want to kiss you right now.
(silence) i've wanted to kiss you since we met again for the first time after you got out of jail.
(silence) yea ? maybe i dreamed it. maybe i dreamed you.
(rire léger) what was in your dream?
fuck i dunno scar. i hope the future (silence) wow. (raclement de gorge. pas à l'aise ) oh wow it's late.
(éloigne le téléphone de son oreille pour rire) yea it's late and we're both idiots so maybe we should go to sleep right now and stop these stupid things.
eh (grimace) dunno (baille) don't wanna.
how long have we been on the phone? (rire) maybe we should go and sleep 'cause i still wanna kiss you.
dunno (baille) na. sleep doesn't help. wanna kiss you all the time (baille encore) i'm just gonna shut my eyes.
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appel en cours

20 sept. 00:02
(raclement de gorge) mh, hi, how you doing?
hi ? (silence. soupire brusque) hello ? who's this ? hello ?
(silence, perplexe) cliff? it's scar. where are you?
(grogne) hello? jesus christ what (bruit de mouvement ) ah, fuck. (renifle) so. i put the phone on my wrong ear. sorry (rire nerveux) hi ?
(rire) what the fuck? you serious? (soupire) how you doing babe?
scar ? don't (rire) don't laugh, man. fuck (gêné) a little bit tired, to be honest. you ?
what's wrong with you? you deaf from an ear and you got the wrong one? do i love an idiot? (rire) mh i'm fine, i'm not really tired tonight that's why i'm calling you. what are you doing?
i - (silence) what ? what did you say ? i (silence) can you say that again, please ?
what? say what? that you're an idiot? (rire) that you're deaf from an ear? thought you knew (rire)
no i - the thing before the - the idiot (soupire) fuck. i - scar. (silence, bruit de respiration) fuck, scar. (inspire) it's not funny. i - (silence)
what? that i love the idiot you are? i thought you knew that too.
oh my god don't say that (silence, bruit de souffle ) jesus christ i'm gonna have a panic attack or some shit like that 'cause of you, idiot. you just-
you can't just tell me stuff like that. fucking - fucking stupid shit (silence, puis tout bas, presque vulnérable.) how can you - you - really ? it's true ?

oh babe. calm down. (rire) what really? i mean. who can't?
i - (reniflement) can you say it again, please ? for me.
wait. are you crying?
(succession de reniflements) don't be stupid (silence) who care ? just - (petit reniflement ) scar fuck just - please ?
oh man. you please just stop crying. i won't say it again if it's going to make you cry. (long silence, soupire) i love you, cliff. please stop crying.
i already said i'm not crying ! god i (inspire, petit silence) i'm fine i - (soupire tremblant, reniflement) i don't really know what to say, but i have a poem i wrote after the night you sleep here and - can i read it ? and after, i'm gonna read the poem before i forget
okay… of course you can.
ok - ok let me just (bruit de mouvement, de papiers)  why am i always running in circles / between wanting you to want me / and when you want me / deciding it is too emotionally naked / for me to live with / who do i make loving me so difficult / as if you should never gave to witness / the ghosts i have tucked under my breast / i used to be more open / when it came to matters like this (petite pause)  my love
(silence) well. it's really pretty. i mean. it's always really pretty. your words are.
i - thank (silence) but do you understand ?
i- i'm not that sure...but you know you don't know shit 'bout cars i don't know shit 'bout poetry
ah. yea, you're right (rire léger) hm. so. (raclement de gorge) i guess i - i really want to make it work. and - and i need you to know about my issues for that and - and stop, i need to stop being scared about shit like love and you. and - and not be mad at you from some shit you don't know 'cause. because it's my issues, not your. and -(inspire) and i'm pretty sure - if i'm not in love with you right now, 'cause i don't really - well  i (rire nerveux)- i don't really know what love is, in fact -  i'm gonna be pretty soon. even if it scared me like crazy.  
(inspire) look. i don't know shit 'bout love. i think i even know more 'bout poetry and grammar. (rire) i mean. i like you. like, a lot. i like spending time with you, watching your anime and listening to you for hours on the phone. i only know that i've never really liked someone like this before. i don't know if i'm in love with you, maybe i'm not right now. i just love the person you are and the idea of you being in my life for a long time. i don't care if you're not in love. i mean, does it really matter right now? i need to know things 'bout you and you need to know things 'bout me. you don't have to put pressure on yourself. i mean. don't think and it's gonna be alright.
(renifle) ok so, right now i'm crying. god (rire) can you stop being perfect for a sec ? fuck. (renifle et rire ) i really love hearing you talk about cars and shit even if i don't understand it half of the time. and - yea. all you said. all of it. i really want to learn a lot about you and - i really want to say a lot to you. even if i'm scared. i - nobody give me feels like that before, scar. nobody except you.
(silence) well we are officially super cheesy right now (rire) and you know what? you're the only i like being cheesy with (rire, un peu gêné)
i don't even like cheese (a little bit rude) but i guess it's all right, with you. (renifle encore) so hm - (gêné) do you want the letter ?
okay go on, i'm listening.
ok so - wait ( va se moucher, loin du tel) ok. j'avais une peluche, lorsque j'étais petit. je ne sais pas du tout d'où elle venait. peut-être d'un zoo, d'un parc d'attraction ou juste d'un magasin quelconque. qu'importe ; c'était un panda, dans tous les cas. un gros panda ; dans mes souvenirs, il était gigantesque. j'arrive à peine à passer mes bras autour de son corps pour le prendre contre moi. je lui avais donné un nom. quelque chose comme - comme papou, ou patrick ou - je sais pas. quelque chose qui commençait par pa , dans tous les cas. je l'amenais partout avec moi; à l'école, aux matchs et à l'entrainement d'exy, à la toilette, dans mon lit. je crois que j'ai pris mon bain avec lui, parfois, mais mes parents - enfin, non, curtis. ce n'est pas mon père - s'en est rendu compte et, après avoir ri de moi un moment, m'a dit qu'il ne fallait pas faire ça. puis j'ai eu des poux, à sept ans. comme tous les enfants, j'imagine. et comme je l'avais toujours avec moi, on a été obligé de le mettre dans un sac refermable pendant près d'une semaine pour tuer les poux qui se trouvaient sur lui. je crois que ça a été ma première peine d'amour, vraiment. j'ai pleuré pendant des heures. les premières nuits, je me suis endormi après avoir pleurer trop fort de ne pas pouvoir le serrer dans mes bras. je crois que j'en ai même fait de l'anxiété, d'être à des endroits sans sa compagnie, tu vois ? j'avais oublié cette histoire, tu sais ? mais être ici, entre ces murs...et ne plus te voir ou t'entendre quelque part dans les entourages, ça m'a rappelé le sentiment qu'avait clifford, sept ans, sans sa peluche préférée.  
i - hm. i don't know. you were there all the time and - and then not, you know ? i just - i guess (soupire) i had just realised how much i care about you, maybe. or, how much i love when i see you all the time.
yea it was kinda the same for me. i realised how much i liked to see you around when i was working. you were my motivation.
stop being cute scar. you can't fool me (rire gêné) i should come more to the bar even if i dont have anything to study ...or. hm. you should run with me sometime ?
you sure i can't? (rire) running? yea i think it would be good for me to do sports again (rire)
you just - fucker (rire) i don't even think you can stop (silence) i - good. i mean sometime grim is with me but it doesn't bother you right ? he isn't a bad guy
oh okay no problem. (petit silence) who is he?
eh... a friend i guess ? he play exy for a pro team. and hm. he's a mercury ? whatever it is. jad said that. (silence) he isn't really cute you don't have to worry scar
oh. this grim. okay. (silence) worry 'bout what? just wanted to know 'bout your friend
hmhm (retient un rire ) hey scar ? You really cute
(grogne dans un raclement de gorge) i'm not right now.  and i just wanted to know 'bout your friend. like i've  an interest in the people you hang out with.
yeah really ? hmhm. i believe you. he's fine. And your friend ?
mh. my friend? which one?
who you want. i dont really know them
well… mh. there are jad, sami and yasmeen,  max, paul but… yea paul. (silence) ashley, gali, sasha, josh, lupe, yohan, bebe. (inspire) i think you'd like 'em all.
paul the dead one ? the shark ? And eh ( silence) a cluster ? A twin? if you believe in that
mh, yea, the dead one. (silence, raclement de gorge) do you? 'cause yea, i'm in a cluster and i've a twin and a soulmate and yea. i believe in all of these.
sorry about that. i didn't like him but he was your friend so...(soupire) yea. yea me too. cosmic twin sister and a cluster and - (silence) yea. a soulmate. curtis
curtis, mh. (silence) so a twin sister? really? where is she?
yea....destiny sucks eh ? (rire faible) hm... I don't want to tell you. you could fall in love with her, she's a warrior princess like in the anime ( rire ) she's on earth
ya really? you're right, destiny sucks; i fell for the wrong twin. (rire moqueur) how is it between you two? i mean. have you already met her?
hmm...nan, you didn't. dont make me cry again ( silence) eh. we talk sometime. but no. I'm not good with people so... I don't even talk to my cluster 'cause... well i don't know. im shit with people (rire)
(rire) ok, i didn't. (silence) i'm sorry 'cause i've lots of people 'round me so… you won't escape from this (rire)
ah. its ok you ( silence) you worth it..
(laisse un rire s'échapper) am i?
(pas a l'aise)  are you fishing for compliment scar ?
(rire) sorry i'm just surprised. no need to go on.
na its alright. anyway you are a big part of the next book so...(rire nerveux ) even the last one...
next one? last one? ok i'm surprised again (rire)
scar, all the poems i write about you i put them in my books
(silence) what? (silence) really?
(rire) yea idiot. All of them. all the teen girls who reads my books know you
oh god, sounds serious (rire)
im pretty sure they love you more than me
they love your words.
they love how i talk about you. they dont like me. a few month ago a girl came to talk to me about my poems but she was crying and i just...fuck. i ran ( rire) im shit at people
(rire) well, is it a big deal? i mean you are obviously shit with all social things (rire) but does it like... disturb you?
not really. i dont know how to react with compliments or nice people sometime and - and maybe people i like..like you ( rire ) but no. I just - i dont care about the fame or the fans and - yed i write poems and they read them but...its fine if it help them but i dont want to do meet up and stuff you know ? they hate it, of course. they think im rude. (rire) its true i guess. but no. im fine like it and if i really something or someone (silence) well. i force myself cause its important
maybe you can be rude and all but… it's just you. you don't have to force yourself except if it's for you because you want it you know?
yea, i know. i do it for myself, you know. like... all the letters, and - all this stuff. i do it for me. for you. (soupire) for us. 'ause i want a us but i need it to be a good one. i want to give us all the chance we can have. or some shit like that, i don't know.
ahh fuck (soupire, rire léger, silence) i don't know what to say - i feel like a kid right now (rire)
ah. (silence) why ? can you try ? and explain... i want to know how you feel
(râle) raah you know i'm not good at it. (silence) well i don't know it's just… i'm happy to hear that. in an egoistic way and to know it can be good for you. i mean. well i don't know (rire) i'm glad to be a part of this story.
(silence) eh. (rire) cool (soupire, nouveau rire) yea. cool. it's make me happy. it's stupid (rire encore)
we're cheesy again you know that (rire) i've never felt like this before to be honest.
ah fuck off (rire) give us a few weeks and we're gonna be lactose intolerant yea (rire) god i hate myself. can you tell me why i had the idea of not doing anything before you hear all the letters ? 'cause i really want to kiss you right now.
(silence) i've wanted to kiss you since we met again for the first time after you got out of jail.
(silence) yea ? maybe i dreamed it. maybe i dreamed you.
(rire léger) what was in your dream?
fuck i dunno scar. i hope the future (silence) wow. (raclement de gorge. pas à l'aise ) oh wow it's late.
(éloigne le téléphone de son oreille pour rire) yea it's late and we're both idiots so maybe we should go to sleep right now and stop these stupid things.
eh (grimace) dunno (baille) don't wanna.
how long have we been on the phone? (rire) maybe we should go and sleep 'cause i still wanna kiss you.
dunno (baille) na. sleep doesn't help. wanna kiss you all the time (baille encore) i'm just gonna shut my eyes.
read the letters fast, please. (silence) good night, cliff. love ya.
hmhm 'oodnight. ' love you scar
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scar21 sept 18, 13:02
good 'morning'it's been a month since the beginning of the letters. so happy one month?still 26 letters to go. 26 dayssoi have a question
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scar21 sept 18, 13:02
good 'morning'it's been a month since the beginning of the letters. so happy one month?still 26 letters to go. 26 dayssoi have a question
13:10
tell me??
13:14
the october 16thit's the last day. the last letter.
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